I'm Getting Too Old For This....

It has recently come to my attention that in my own perception of myself, I must think I'm younger and cooler than I actually am.  That in the mirror of my life, I see someone who's still pretty relevant and youthful.

Lately though I've been forced to inch a little closer to that mirror (since in my older age my perception glasses must be blurred) to get a clearer look.

I'm realizing that as I look towards my 33rd birthday in a month from now, while I'm still pretty young in the whole tape measurer length of my life, I'm not as young as I used to be....and other people notice that too.

When we were at the beach earlier this month I decided to help my super cute but very shy cousin break the ice with some girls about his age (18.)  I've always been able to start a conversation with strangers easily and this was no big deal....plus, I was selling a cute guy to cute girls.  No biggie.

So... I go over to the group of girls on the beach, sit down and say hello and then launch into some schpeil about my cute buy shy cousin not wanting to infringe on their girl time but who was curious about them.  It was reasonably smooth and mildly unobtrusive...plus I'm a girl...and I'm relatively hip, or so I think.

Then comes my kiss of youthful death when the girls comment on my toenail polish and say...

"That is so totally cool that you wear blue toenail polish."

It wasn't lost on me for a second that what they were really saying actually wasn't finished.   I didn't miss it though, the "at your age" was clearly implied.

Sweet...I'm youthfully culturally relevant...albeit old.

I'm thinking that when I'm 90, I might sport a black leather biker jacket...and fake boobs...and blue nail polish.

Aging gracefully....yeah.

PS.  Please for crying out loud, send our sailor this month some love.  He hasn't gotten a darn thing from anyone and is totally bummed.  Poor guys out on a ship in the middle of nowhere... bake some cookies, send a card...something!?!?  I'll post the next letter when I know this sailor hasn't been forgotten from the shores of this continent!

Secrets of a Great Illusionist....The Perfect Pedicure!

I'm in serious need of a pedicure.  I mean...BADLY!

Last night I went to town on my heels with a PedEgg because they looked something like this.

photo by Ariadne Van Zandbergen

No, I'm not kidding.  It was a bad bad scene.  It was so bad that my pride and vanity took over and would only take a picture of my foot post PedEgg and post about 14 gallons of Eucerin cream.  And still, they looked like this....

So today, I've come up with a solution for the gal with nasty feet in need of some TLC...or in my case, some serious elbow grease.  So my friends, I give you my own invention....

The Redneck Pedicure!

 First, like with any project, you will need to gather your supplies.

• 1 set of horribly neglected feet, already subject to the redneck paint job of the past...layer upon layer of nailpolish. 

• Some nailpolish remover, or for the true Redneck Pedicure experience, you might find Paint Thinner or furniture stripper to be just as capable of doing the job. 

• A cotton ball.  One cotton ball should do it for this sort of job.  It doesn't really matter terribly if there is a bit of polish left on your piggies, you're just gonna cover it back up anyhow.

• And the piece de resistance...your trusty orbital sander.  Yes friends, it had gotten that bad!  I'd recommend using a 120 grit fine sandpaper... since this is afterall your foot we're about to go to town on here.

 

Head outside for this part of your pedicure.  It's a nice time to relax, enjoy the nature around you, and also, you don't want all of the sawdust from your last furniture project shooting out of the sander into your house, along with your nasty footskin.  Better to just head outside.

Position your sander (in this case I used a Bosch orbital sander) along the nastiest, most calloused part of your foot...and sand that bad boy down.  Your foot may start to look smoother at this point.  If the sander feels too hot to your skin, remove it immediately...it's likely you've sanded off too much and probably didn't need this drastic of a method afterall.

Lucky you.

Once you have sanded to your hearts content and to your foot skin's maximum allowable removal point, pack up your gear and put it back into the garage.

The next part of your pedicure can be done within the comforts of your home.

Before polishing your nails, smooth some really thick cream onto your feet.  For a true redneck pedi experience, Crisco should work just fine.  Today I opted for something more traditional though and used Eucerin cream.

Since I follow a pretty strict redneck polishing regime and over time like to put multiple layers of polish on my nails to save time, I highly recommend using a clear basecoat.  Who knows how long it will be before your nails see the light of day again, and serious staining will occur if you don't at least clearcoat them first.

Paint a base clear coat onto your nails and wait the 60 seconds that the bottle recommends....or if you're me, just wait until you finish painting the other foot before applying your first layer of colored polish.

For this pedicure, I was feeling cheery to no longer have heels and toes that look like a desert in Nairobi, so I opted for a red polish to really draw attention to my happily smoothed toesies.

Put this polish on and then lean back and admire your handiwork!

Ahhh yes.  Much better.  The next time I decide to do a pedicure though, I think I should reconsider the 2 glasses of wine I had before I last shaved my legs.  As you can see on my left leg above my ankle, that decision wasn't one of my better ones.

Happy pampering friends!

The Grass is Blue....

Sorry for my silence over the past few days...I guess as a general rule of thumb, you can just figure that if I'm quiet, it's because I'm crazy busy doing something!

We've had a full few days around here. My Tid Bit turned FIVE on Friday, we had his bluegrass themed birthday party on Thursday, and then our family left Friday at lunchtime to head out of town to the mountains of NC for a bluegrass festival that we go to every year called Merlefest.  So not only have I been gone, but I really couldn't hardly get a phone signal where we were.

I have loads of blog topics this week and don't worry, I'll show you pictures of the birthday party that we had Thursday (re-purposing the Easter Egg Hunt decor) and of course I have some thoughts on the Royal Wedding that I didn't watch but have poured over pictures since as well.  Right now though, I just have to share a bit from our weekend at the bluegrass festival.

In case you're not familiar with bluegrass music, check out a bit of history HERE.   It's an American roots type music and I'll just go ahead and tell you that these musicians are REAL musicians.  There's no crazy dancing or effects with this music...it's just the real deal with real people who can tear it up on some instruments.  Even if you don't like the sound, there's no denying the talent behind it.  Some of my favorite artists include master mandolin player Sam Bush, the amazing musical trio that makes up Nickel Creek, the gorgeous whispery-like voices of Alison Krauss and Emmylou Harris, and a couple of newer favorites for me are Mindy Smith, Bearfoot, and Red Molly.  If you don't know them, lucky for you I linked them all up so you can check them out!

I have to tell you though, that actually going to the festival is a blast.  It's family friendly, all outside, and the people watching is phenomenal.  And thanks to all the interesting characters that we met and saw this weekend, I've compiled a few tips and thoughts about a bluegrass festival should you decide to ever go to one.

1. Take sunscreen...but also it's advisable to actually remember to put it on.

2. If you forget your deodorant, don't worry.  There are so many others who apparently forgot theirs too.  Besides, everyone loves the mix of patchouli and body odor....really brings out the fresh of spring.

3.  It's never a bad idea to shave your armpits...and your legs.  But if you accidentally miss a massive patch on the back of your thigh and wear shorts thereby exposing the caveman like growth that you have, you aren't alone.  I am here to support you in that trend...apparently I sported that accidental look like a champ.  Amazingly though, noone noticed save my husband and sister. Three cheers for hippies!

4.  If you meet the actual musicians, don't say things like "So, I guess you must be playing here since I see you have the gold musician armband on."  And definitely after basically confessing your complete UN-knowledge of who they are, don't ask them to sign your son's ukelele.  That would probably be awkward.  Just guessing.....

5.  Take hand sanitizer.  There are lots of porta-potties....and see #2 and #3 for some additional reasons why this might be a good idea.

6.  It gets cold in the mountains at night.  Take a jacket and probably jeans.  And don't throw 2 parties in one week before packing, lest you never even consider packing the aforementioned items.

7.  Exercise before you go...or else walking around a mountainous college campus to watch music all day will remind you that you are in fact out of shape.

8.  If you've ever wanted to do any variety of dancing that could be classified as "noodling"...this is your chance.  You can noodle all you want, and noone will ever think you odd for it.

9.  Release your expectations of seeing Lyle Lovett for the late show at night before you go...you may in fact have a 5 year old and a 15 month old who are incapable of being active in the sun all day and staying up past 10 o'clock.  I'm sure someone took a video and it will be on YouTube for you to relive it later.

10.  This last one is really crucial for all you gals out there.  WEAR A BRA!  Please please wear a bra.  Even if they're small enough that you don't need to, please remember that your t-shirt is still thin enough to be transparent and I don't want to see your pencil eraser boobs through it.  If you have large "girls" and think that your halter dress will hold them up....it won't...the strings are not as strong as the climbing ropes that you really need to support that kind of weight.  It's not flattering to you.  If you have fake boobs...I envy your phony perfection and don't need to be reminded that after 2 babies, my "girls" don't have the capacity to stand up on their own.  Just wear a bra...its simple.

Well all, hope you all had a fantastic weekend!  Don't forget Mother's Day is this coming weekend and that means, if you're reading this that you have a mother somewhere that you can spend time remembering or loving on in person!  I'll post a list of some great gift ideas later this week too.

Glad to be back home!!!  But of course, I have laundry to catch up on today!

Secrets of a Great Illusionist....How To Do It all!

This morning I had the super fun surprise of talking on the phone to an old friend from high school.  She asked me how on earth I was hosting 2 parties in one week (the Egg Hunt on Saturday, and Tid Bit's 5th birthday party today,) so I thought I'd share about how I'm making it all happen in a quick list.

 How to do it all

• Don't sleep as much as you should, which we all know isn't good for me in particular because oftentimes I end up acting infantile and doing things like throwing raw eggs at the wall when I'm tired.

• You serve Pillsbury Funfetti boxed mix cupcakes instead of the homemade ones that sunk in the middle and will only look good to the K4 class at school.

• You reuse as many of your Easter Egg Hunt decorations as possible and convince your Birthday Boy that the pendant banners look really "bluegrassy" and festive for a boy's birthday too despite having pink in them....after all, it "matches our dining room." Make as much use also of the flower arrangements from the Easter party too...just pull out the dead  flowers and change the water that looks like a perfect breeding grounds for sea monkeys and tadpoles.

• Get creative and use the astroturf (that you originally bought for your Easter party but didn't use because it looked tacky) as table coverings...because it kind of looks like grass and Daddy wasn't pleased to have $30 worth of unused astroturf anyways.  Then you loan it to your neighbor for her son's sports themed birthday party...because plenty of sports are played on astroturf.

• Serve hummus and pita chips that you already had and tell your Birthday Boy what a great idea that is because "that's being a good steward and plus, it's one of his favorite things to eat."

• Have Capri Sun drink pouches for the kids, because it only takes 2 seconds to open a box and dump into a drink tub, and then you don't have to clean out your glass drink containers later.

• Eat lunch and dinner out every night of the week because apparently it's only possible to actually cook 1 healthy meal and throw two parties in a span of 6 days.

• Make fruit salad to use up all of the bits of fruit that you have in your house and won't eat since you're going out of town for the weekend.  People will think you're just healthy and went to extra trouble.  The Birthday Boy will remind you that this, in addition to the hummus use, is demonstrating good "stewardship."

• Don't do the laundry, and continue to ignore the 2 baskets of clean laundry that you haven't had time to fold or put away.

• Don't pack for your out of town trip even though you're leaving at noon tomorrow.

• Only clean the parts that people will actually see (and even more so with kids parties) you NEVER mop.

• And, as always, at the last minute, throw things in the beloved junk drawer.

There you have it...how to do it all!

(And the secret is out....to do it all, you actually DON'T!)

Style or Vile?!...Weird Home Decor...

I'm playing some serious catch-up around my house today from things ignored while we planned and executed a party this weekend.  Don't you know the laundry was the first thing to get tossed on the back burner?!  I have washed 1 load, but re-fluffed and folded 4 loads.  All the laundry was clean, but not folded or put away, so it was Wrinkle City around here!  Got to love the de-wrinkle dryer cycle.  All to say, I'm busting it to be productive and get back on track today.  I'm going to do a post tonight about the Party, so you'll have to wait til then to catch up on that.

In the meantime, I have to quickly share with you a few hilarious things that I found while perusing my email last night.  I get daily emails from several of those discount websites like Zulily, OneKingsLane, Ruelala, and HauteLook and if something looks interesting to me then I'll click on over and check things out.  Last night I was looking around and had a few finds that made me laugh out loud...so you know I have to share.  Ridiculous stuff I found, almost a home decor version of my J. Crew posts.  Some of it I'll be honest has some cool factor, but the pricetags combined with the oddities made for some interesting mental room designs for me.  In the following, I'm about to say what you'd be thinking but might not say out loud....sorry if I offend.

<---A horse is a horse of course of course...

This screams "Mr Ed" to me.  All I could think about was reading a book beside this thing and having a horsey commentary going on over my shoulder.  For a mere $5800, I could probably buy a real horse and a lamp from Ikea for a similar effect.

 I think this chair is incredibly cool actually, and have seen similar versions in some magazines and online, but I cannot get past some level of arachnaphobia when I look at this.  All I can think is that this chair creates the perfect place for spiderwebs to accumulate...and where there are webs, there are spiders.  And now that I'm thinking about it, I'm sure I feel something crawling up my leg.  No thank you for $1700.

 <---So shoot me for being vulgar, but this chair looks to me like a giant beanbag penis...and I wouldn't even pick it up off the side of the road, much less pay the value sale price of $1100 for it.  Imagine the message of this chair beside the horse lamp though...it's too much...too much.

Moving on....

This $3700 gem on the right is called the Rag Chair.  It looks to me like someone raided an upholsterer's scrap pile and bound it up with zip ties.  This has Etsy idea written all over it.  I should also let you know that this item sold out the first day.  Someone or someones out there have too much money and not enough sense if you ask me.

 <---Am I the only person who thinks this lamp looks like a toilet scrubber?  It's really reasonable though at $1800.  This could also be a welcome addition to the above beanbag chair.  If you sprinkle when you tinkle....

Well, there you have it friends.  The makings of a really weird room for the small investment of around $15K. 

I am all about finding a cool piece and building a room around it, but honestly, these are not the ones to do it for me.

Happy day to you all!

To Pose or Not To Pose....Maternity Photos

I was talking with some girlfriends this morning about maternity photographs.  I personally am not a fan, but have seen some that are tastefully done.  My take on it is that my pregnant belly isn't nearly as darling as what's going to come out of it, so no need to preserve forever the memory of my popped out belly button encircled by my hands making a heart shape....just not gonna go there personally people.  If that's your bag....good for you.  I bet you are a really cute pregnant person....or you could be delusional....I will not venture to say which if I don't know you.

Anyhow, one of my friends reminded me this morning of the MOST hilarious email that I got back at the end of last year.  It's from a blog post from The Pregnant Chicken and it's just absolutely hysterical.  I had to search back through my emails to find it, but find it I did....and now I'm gonna share it with you.  Thanks to The Pregnant Chicken, I give you the following.... (My comments are in black...everything in green is from The Pregnant Chicken....want to make sure to give credit where credit is due!)

In case you may want to capture your pregnancies in a photograph to preserve the wonder of life here are a few gems from awkwardfamilyphotos.com which may provide a little inspiration.

  

"Karen, seeing as you're pregnant, let's put you at the top of the family photo where the air is thinner. Karen? Karen?!?!"

I think the thing that is MOST disturbing to me is that this was a CHRISTMAS CARD....I can appreciate what they were trying to do here but if your Christmas photo looks like it should have a "becka, becka, bow wow" soundtrack playing in the background, then you may want to reconsider the card.

I can't decide whether I like the garbage bag dress, the swamp or his black socks in the water better.

"That's it, Steve. A little further back, a little further. Now crouch down. Perfect!" I think the ex-boyfriend may have been the photographer in this one.

This reminds me of a picnic. A good idea in theory but an uncomfortable mess in practice.

Words can't describe this photo. Oh wait a minute, they can!

Okay, I actually love this photo but the toe shoes are the real kicker. Ha kicker!

"It's going to be a good year, Laura. A very Goodyear indeed."

At first I thought "Nothing symbolizes maternity better than a watermelon and a gun" and then I thought "Actually, nothing *does* symbolize maternity better than a watermelon and a gun". Bravo Mad'am.

Like the previous Christmas card, if it looks skeezy when nobody is pregnant, then a baby bump ain't saving it so don't do it. A helpful holiday tip we can all tuck in our pockets.

"If I'm holding the baby then why do I still feel fat?"

Um, yeah. No. I'm just going to go with a solid no on this one.

Why do I feel like this woman was talked into this? I could see her thinking, "I'm just too tired to argue plus the kids won't be able to take off because hockey equipment will slow them down and I'll hold their heads. I'm sure it will look fine."

A few people have past along some other great photos and I just had to share.
 
The Pregnant Chicken said it best....There simply aren't enough pregnancy/gun pictures.
 
Lastly, I wanted to show you all a brilliant shots that these adoptive parents did. To see the whole series, check out the photographer's site. Do you think they would adopt me too because I love them. It's no naked headstand, but I love them. - The Pregnant Chicken

Hope you all got a laugh out of that....just had to share.  Nothing gets you in a good mood faster than other people's interestingness!  It's like people watching at the airport....or better yet, the fair!

In a few minutes I'm going to post on how to cut a leek....just couldn't pass this up for you today though!

  

PS. I removed a mortifyingly nude maternity picture after I originally posted this upon a realization that the entire post could be blocked from some computers with child lock controls in place.  If that was your favorite picture and you thought it was the most hilarious thing ever...Pregnant Chicken still has it on her site!

Some tips...for Airline Travel

Sorry for my silence over the past few days.  We headed out to Texas to visit the Hubs' family for a few days and I didn't have any access to the computer while I was there.  It was a fast and furious trip with 2 days of full travel and 2 days just for fun.  It was a good visit, but I am flat worn out now after traveling with 2 small children...one of which was a

lap child!

And no...that is not my child below.  In almost 14 total hours of in-air travel, my baby napped all of 35 minutes.

Thankfully, both kids were actually really well-behaved (a great feat for a 14 month old in particular)...ridiculously active, but well-behaved.  Probably a result of my incredible parenting and the baby's uncanny ability at the ripe age of 1 to follow my instructions perfectly.  (More likely though is that we've been praying over this trip pretty much since we booked it!)

Here is a more accurate picture of our trip -----> 

Yep...that about covers it!  That's the only picture I have because it was taken on my phone...



And as we were traveling, I decided to make a mental list of things I think all travelers should keep in mind when traveling....lucky for you, I'm about to share.

1.  Southwest Airlines is great, but please be advised that if your itinerary says "direct" flight...it means that you will still stop along the way.  You won't have to change planes, but your flight will be considerably longer when you stop in say Nashville, on your way to Denver.  Or you may stop in Houston on your flight from Dallas to Greenville, SC.  This stopping will add considerable time to your flight duration and also make your lap child all the more restless.  Also, the fasten seat belt sign sound will likely wake up your 35 minute sleeping baby, even if he/she does sleep through the landing.

2.  Just because you and your spouse think that your perfume or scented lotion is fantastic and that you should douse yourself in it with reckless abandon, does not mean that your fellow travelers will agree.  Keep in mind that your Chanel #9 in seat 14A mixed with Bath and Body Works Cherry Blossom in seat 14B, mixed with Patchouli in 14C, makes for some serious nausea in 14D across the aisle.  Noone would mind if we all use a little common SCENTS and stick with say....plain old soap.

3.  If a baby near you is yelling happily...do not sneer at the parents because it is making noise.  Be thankful it's not screaming its' head off in discontent.

4.  If a baby near you is screaming its' head off in discontent, do not sneer at the parents because it is screaming bloody murder.  Trust me...the parents are far more mortified than you could possibly be.

5.  If you are a creepy man, do not stare at someones children for long periods of time...or at all for that matter.  Keep in mind, you are creepy and parents are very leery of creepy people.  Especially do not stare at someones child while they are awkwardly having to change a poopy diaper across their laps and the lap of their 5 year old during the flight.  That is really awkward...and you are even more creepy now.  The poop has to go...see #2 for the reason why.

6.  Make sure that if you are a mom traveling with small children that you wear a crew neck tshirt.  You will be doing your very best to keep your lap child somewhere close between seats 14D, E, and F and will likely have some shirt tugging.  Unless you want to flash the creepy man from #5, I suggest that you dress for a very active trip.

7.  Make sure to pack tons of snacks...snacks are very helpful to keep your kids busy.  As are crayons...although those are tricky when you have an active 1 year old who is really just interested in snacking on the crayons as well.

8.  Take refillable water bottles...like a Nalgene or Camelbak bottle.  You can refill them at water fountains and put those little drink mixes to go to add flavor (like Crystal Lite or Koolaid...preferably nothing with red dye.)  Be aware that with the change in cabin pressure though, when you open your drinking-spout-style Camelbak bottle with red dye Koolaid, it will wildly spray its contents all over the sleeping lady in seat 14F.  Thankfully the lady in 13F is a heavy sleeper.  Good thing she likes those satin eye cover thingys.

9. Be nice to your flight attendants.  If so, they will often let you stand in the back to attempt to lull your baby to sleep.  When the baby doesn't sleep though, they will often allow it to press lighted buttons that show the waste level of the lavatory for 30 minutes or more.

10.  When you finally arrive at your destination, scream that you're about to throw up and you will get off the plane much faster than if you didn't.

Glad to be back on my home turf for sure.  Spring has fully sprung and after a trip to the grocery store today, I plan to enjoy it!

Have a great day!

PS.  Some of the above list is fictitious...but a good portion of it is not!  I'm probably not going to spoil the fun by telling you which is which though!  Also, I'm linking here to Top Ten Tuesday on OhAmanda.com for more fun!