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Secrets of a Great Illusionist....The Perfect Pedicure!

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Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Secrets of a Great Illusionist....The Perfect Pedicure!

I'm in serious need of a pedicure.  I mean...BADLY!

Last night I went to town on my heels with a PedEgg because they looked something like this.

photo by Ariadne Van Zandbergen
No, I'm not kidding.  It was a bad bad scene.  It was so bad that my pride and vanity took over and would only take a picture of my foot post PedEgg and post about 14 gallons of Eucerin cream.  And still, they looked like this....

So today, I've come up with a solution for the gal with nasty feet in need of some TLC...or in my case, some serious elbow grease.  So my friends, I give you my own invention....

The Redneck Pedicure!
 First, like with any project, you will need to gather your supplies.
  • 1 set of horribly neglected feet, already subject to the redneck paint job of the past...layer upon layer of nailpolish. 
  • Some nailpolish remover, or for the true Redneck Pedicure experience, you might find Paint Thinner or furniture stripper to be just as capable of doing the job. 
  • A cotton ball.  One cotton ball should do it for this sort of job.  It doesn't really matter terribly if there is a bit of polish left on your piggies, you're just gonna cover it back up anyhow.
  • And the piece de resistance...your trusty orbital sander.  Yes friends, it had gotten that bad!  I'd recommend using a 120 grit fine sandpaper... since this is afterall your foot we're about to go to town on here.

Head outside for this part of your pedicure.  It's a nice time to relax, enjoy the nature around you, and also, you don't want all of the sawdust from your last furniture project shooting out of the sander into your house, along with your nasty footskin.  Better to just head outside.

Position your sander (in this case I used a Bosch orbital sander) along the nastiest, most calloused part of your foot...and sand that bad boy down.  Your foot may start to look smoother at this point.  If the sander feels too hot to your skin, remove it's likely you've sanded off too much and probably didn't need this drastic of a method afterall.
Lucky you.

Once you have sanded to your hearts content and to your foot skin's maximum allowable removal point, pack up your gear and put it back into the garage.

The next part of your pedicure can be done within the comforts of your home.

Before polishing your nails, smooth some really thick cream onto your feet.  For a true redneck pedi experience, Crisco should work just fine.  Today I opted for something more traditional though and used Eucerin cream.

Since I follow a pretty strict redneck polishing regime and over time like to put multiple layers of polish on my nails to save time, I highly recommend using a clear basecoat.  Who knows how long it will be before your nails see the light of day again, and serious staining will occur if you don't at least clearcoat them first.

Paint a base clear coat onto your nails and wait the 60 seconds that the bottle recommends....or if you're me, just wait until you finish painting the other foot before applying your first layer of colored polish.

For this pedicure, I was feeling cheery to no longer have heels and toes that look like a desert in Nairobi, so I opted for a red polish to really draw attention to my happily smoothed toesies.

Put this polish on and then lean back and admire your handiwork!

Ahhh yes.  Much better.  The next time I decide to do a pedicure though, I think I should reconsider the 2 glasses of wine I had before I last shaved my legs.  As you can see on my left leg above my ankle, that decision wasn't one of my better ones.

Happy pampering friends!

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At May 24, 2011 at 4:36 PM , Blogger heidi said...

LOL Nice!!! I need a sander for my feet, too!!

At June 6, 2011 at 11:03 AM , Blogger Esther Plaster said...

logan this is hilarious - actually cydney told me about this post and i HAD to read it!!! i too have some bad feet. what is it with mama feet anyway? i still a bit scared of the sander though. i do find that vaseline or shea butter is great for your feet (then put socks on and go to bed) to prolong the nice smooth pedi.

At June 7, 2011 at 6:07 PM , Anonymous Kamille@Redeemingthetable said...

this cracks me up. I was at first just viewing the pictures & got to the heavy duty sander and thought it was a joke. Then, onto the next picture where you're actually using it:) I love that you posted this, because it tells me a lot more about you.

I'm going to Relevant & I think I saw that you were too? Thanks for the step by step--I think I need a sander.


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