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Glory Babies...Part 1

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Monday, May 9, 2011

Glory Babies...Part 1

I loved Mother's Day yesterday.  A day where everyone recognizes moms everywhere for all that we are and all that we do.  It's nice to have a day like that because as much as we all love it, being a mother is hard.

Wanting to be a mother and having difficulty with that, well, that is hard too.  And that is a reality that I can understand as well.

Two years ago on Mother's Day, our church dedicated 33 babies.  33!  That is a lot of babies.  And some of those dedications were of my friends' children.  It was a day of rejoicing in the gift of being a mother and the gift of life.

I cried during the whole thing.

I was happy for my friends, but inside I felt like I was stuck in quicksand all the way up to my neck.  It was the hard-to-breathe kind of cry that you never really want to do at all, much less in public.

Yes, I have 2 healthy children now for whom I'm eternally thankful.  But what you may not realize about me is that I actually am the mother of 4 children.  Two of those children went to be with Jesus before I ever got to hold them.  Hunter and Bess...my babies in heaven.  They have faces that I do not know, and names that the Lord gave me after they were with Him.  They are counted among the people that I have lost in my life.  And with loss comes grief...and eventually with loss comes healing.

This story isn't short, and as I begin to tell you about it, it's not one that is a one post kind of story either.  But it's my story and part of who I am.  I will never be thankful for the loss or the grief, but I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that the Lord has turned what the enemy intended for destruction in my life into something good.

There's just something about being a mother.  And even before you have children, you know that it's special.  Noone has to tell you that there is joy in being a mother for you to know it, or to want it.

Tid Bit was the most normal pregnancy possible.  We got pregnant just 3 months after stopping birth control...easy peasy.  I felt tired when the books said I'd feel tired and I felt energetic when they said I'd have surges of energy.  My appointments were routine, and I learned how to pee in a cup like a champ.  I never went into that office with any doubts or fears about anything...ever during that entire time.  He was born right on his due date and aside from an unplanned but necessary c-section, everything was perfect. 

I got pregnant again in August when he was 16 months old...the very first month off of birth control.

On October 31st, 2007 we bought a minivan.

The Hubs is super tall and even in our spacious Honda Pilot there wasn't room behind his seat for him to drive and to have a carseat with a kid in it.  He sits all the way back and either Tid Bit's legs would be crammed or we didn't have room to have a rear facing carseat behind him.

I never wanted a minivan, but it was the only thing that wasn't a gas guzzler that had enough room behind the driver's seat for mutiple kids.  And in no time, we'd be filling that van up with another.

I finished filling out the paperwork and buying our van after 5pm on that day...and I drove it home expectantly...looking behind me imagining 2 little people in the back.

The next morning I had my 12 week ultrasound.  Everything had been great for the pregnancy.  Things looked normal, the heartbeat at our previous appointment was strong.  I felt tired, but good.

The Doppler on my stomach was having some trouble picking up the heartbeat.  I know that even at 12 weeks, it can be hard to pick up the heartbeat clearly, but when the nurse said "I think it'll be easier to just go to the ultrasound room to check it out," I had a sinking feeling.  A dear friend had just a couple of months before had the same thing happen and everything was fine.  Tiny heartbeats can just be hard to pick up sometimes.

I tried to slow my heartbeat and push the worry out of my mind.  And as I lay back and watched the ultrasound monitor, I didn't see the tiny blinking that I'd seen when I was pregnant with Tid Bit.  Everything on the screen was still....and I knew.

I started to cry before the doctor even said the words "This has just happened in the last 24 hours.  Your baby is measuring 11wks and 6 days.  This JUST happened."

Numbness....

Tears....

Numbness....

And then a walk outside to a minivan I never wanted but thought I needed.

Mother's Day can be hard.  I know.  It reminds you what you want but may not have...or have lost.

I'll tell you more of this story throughout this week.

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8 Comments:

At May 9, 2011 at 11:18 AM , Blogger Erin L. said...

Oh Logan, this is such an important post and so necessary to share. Brought tears to my eyes as I know the feeling. I love my two children and am so happy with them in my life -- but I will always remember my other two babies.

 
At May 9, 2011 at 11:36 AM , Anonymous Cara said...

Logan, Thanks for giving words to my story as well. Loving all my babies this weekend, but longing for the 6 I never held. Bittersweet. But makes heaven that much more beautiful to me.

 
At May 9, 2011 at 11:37 AM , Blogger The Jowers Family said...

Like I mentioned in my comment last night, these stories of heartache, but also great strength, are so important to share with other women. We just never know who might need to hear our story. I can't imagine my life without my two precious princesses, and I am SO thankful that God blessed me with them both. But the baby that isn't' here with me on earth is never too far from my thoughts.

 
At May 9, 2011 at 1:45 PM , Blogger AA said...

Thanks for sharing, Logan. Hard story but also important to share for everyone out there. XOXO!

 
At May 9, 2011 at 3:04 PM , Anonymous Teal said...

Logan,
Thank you. The baby Ben and I lost halfway through 2nd trimester is never far from my thoughts. It makes you appreciate how much of a miracle life really is. God does not make mistakes. Bess and Hunter are anxiously awaiting the moment they get to reunite with you in heaven!
Thanks, loving the blog!
:)Teal

 
At May 9, 2011 at 10:55 PM , Blogger Jessica Heights said...

I am so sorry sweetie...such a loss can never quite be summed up in words.

 
At May 10, 2011 at 8:36 AM , Blogger Allison said...

Thank you for posting this, Logan. I teared up while I was reading because I remember the exact moment I found out that we lost our first baby. Words cannot describe the emotions and that sweet baby is never far from my thoughts, especially during the month of May, which would have been my due date. It is so important that women talk about this issue and gain support and strength from each other. Love to you.

 
At May 11, 2011 at 6:23 PM , Blogger The Cozy Cape said...

Hey Logan,

#1: A couple things: One I totally get this with the Mother's Day thing and wanting to be a mother. I've actually been working a post of similar nature because we've struggled to get pregnant. I actually skipped church this past Sunday b/c I just didn't want to put myself through the pain. I'll have to let you know when I get my post up :)

#2: I first found you through your guest post for "Perfectly Imperfect." I'm today's guest poster for her. When I posted my link on my FB page, my cousin wrote, "hey, my really good friend just posted for her." My cousin is Emily! It's a small world.

Hope to see you over at The Cozy Cape sometime.

 

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